Man vs Animal Who Would Win Stoned — 5 Funny Takes

Take 3: Dogs — Medium vs Large is a Big Difference

A medium-sized dog like a labrador? 60% of men said yes. A large dog like a pit bull, rottweiler, or doberman? Only 31% of men felt confident. Fordee actually shared a real tip from a self-defence course he once took: if a dog attacks you, sacrifice one arm as bait, let it bite, then grab it, jump on it with your full body weight and crush it. Survival tip delivered while high. Respect.

Take 4: Eagle, Cobra, and Chimpanzee — Getting Dicey

The man vs animal who would win stoned question gets harder here. An eagle’s talons are the size of fingers and its beak could bite through nuts. King cobras are nine feet long and one bite kills you. Only 23% of men felt confident against a cobra. Chimpanzees? 22% of men said they could win, but Fordee is not one of them. “I would try to talk to it. Negotiate. I’ll get him high, he’ll forget about everything, and I’ll go home and survive.” Sound strategy.

Take 5: Gorilla, Elephant, Lion, Grizzly Bear — Hard No

The bottom of the stoned animal fight quiz is a wall of extremely bad ideas. 9% of men said gorilla — no. Gorillas do jiu jitsu in the forest and swing from vines. An elephant will literally sit on you and you will die. A lion is the king of the jungle and does not negotiate. And a grizzly bear? The fewest number of people on the entire survey said they could take a grizzly — and those people are wrong. Fordee’s take: “Just because you saw The Revenant doesn’t mean you’ve been trained in bear tactics.”

Which Animals Can Humans Beat? Fordee’s Final Rankings

So which animals can humans beat based on the stoned logic of Dear Ganja Diary? Here is the honest ranking from most to least beatable:

• ✅ Rat — Obvious yes. Do not overthink it.
• ✅ House cat — Yes. Maybe a scratch. You win.
• ✅ Goose — Yes, but respect the goose. They’re ruffians.
• ⚠️ Medium dog — Probably. Use the self-defence technique.
• ⚠️ Large dog — Possible, but you’re getting hurt either way.
• ❌ Eagle — Maybe dodge the dive bomb but probably not.
• ❌ King cobra — You are not throwing something fast enough.
• ❌ Chimpanzee — Get him high and escape. That’s the best plan.
• ❌ Kangaroo — That tail ends you. 17% of men disagree and they’re wrong.
• ❌ Wolf, Crocodile, Gorilla, Elephant — Absolutely not.
• ❌❌ Lion, Grizzly Bear — You are not surviving this. Full stop.